When You Feel Yourself Completely Changing In Real Time

In January of 2021, I was more social than many months of 2020, possibly all twelve months. I tell my friends that because of this I am now happy. And I am content with seeing more faces, hearing more voices. Seeing my friends and family has been the only solution I have found to my problem of being lost in my life path. But for now, it does the trick.

That being said, is it okay for me to change this much? I suppose the twenties are when that kind of thing is meant to happen. And a year like 2020 is almost guaranteed to leave its mark on us. So what is my mark? I convinced myself somewhere along the way that I'm an introverted nerd, but I'm now seeing past that and giving myself permission to be more?

I used to write a lot, and I always had the desire to read. Today, however, I would swear off both of those activities forever if it meant I got to hang out with more friends. I don't want to do anything creative that was even mildly considered an introverted activity; now, all I want to create is things that reach everyone and connect me to them. Music, fashion, and good food.

This is, I assume, my mind's way of adapting to the new circumstances for survival. Just like any animal would for its harsh environment. I am not upset by this; it may seem like I'm becoming more image-conscious, but in this day and age it seems like the exactly right thing to do. 

Am I meant to mourn for the Emily I am letting go of? Perhaps. But she is surely memorialized in some ways, so I can carry on as I please. I am simply not used to changing desires this fast. Granted, other desires are still intact. I want friends and a community. 

But if anything in my life causes me to be more disconnected, I now want to stop doing that thing. Hence the cuts in my forms of creativity. It can be reversed, and that's good to know. I am just trying to survive right now, and that is ok.