I Know What It's Like

....to have someone in your life who's retarded by their own merit! That sounds cruel, but I don't mean intellectually retarded; I'm talking emotionally retarded - and not for any medical reason either. When every argument boils down to how they make you feel, and they always turn it back to something else, THAT'S when you know their emotions aren't quite calibrated to function at the level of normal people. When every heated discussion ends with top-of-the-lungs yelling, and you don't remember how it escalated so quickly, that's when you know you're dealing with a crazy person. And it's been all my life that I've had to deal with this presence of negativity, of anger, and of a cold heart. Funnily enough, it disguises itself under a thin layer of love and care just to make it seem not so bad the rest of the time. But that all fades away when something awakens the beast, and you forget the nice times, consider the present circumstances, and ponder how it came to this, all at once. The only comfort is found in the knowledge that the insanity is seen by others too, and that you have not succumb to the belief in a distorted reality yourself.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE to be hated by someone you hardly know. Even they cannot give a clear reason, yet the hatred is there, all the same. When you try to show kindness and a twinge of friendship, and all attempts are ignored, the confusion turns you to the question, "why is it me and not someone else? Just me?" I've thought about that many a time, and I've concluded that some people in the world are just negative, and that anything that's not bright & sunny & colorful is seen in a dull light that encourages hatred from within their hearts. Knowing this does not help the problem, however, and I believe the only logical step I can take right now, given that I've already been showing kindness, is acceptance. The phrase "Haters gonna hate" certainly rings true, especially when it's happening to you.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE to be a hopeless romantic and not get anything out of it. It's not towards a certain person, in my case, but there is a longing there that makes me feel every day like I'm missing something from the wonderful life I'd thought I would have by now. A slight intimate loneliness is all it takes to drive someone into a mental impasse. It's all I think about, when I have the time, and my brain capacity can only handle so much at once. While I like to encourage these feelings when I can, it's obvious that my mental prowess could be put to better use thinking of other, more productive, things. But this double acceptance of both a false and true reality can only lead me where I don't want to go - nowhere. It is hard to accept loneliness instead and focus on what I need to do, but it's impossible to accept an idle life and continue to wait for my loneliness to be cured (God knows when).

Thus are the troubles I face.