Why Haven't I Questioned My Sexuality?

 I spent New Year's Eve with four other people - a best friend of mine from high school, the guy she is in the early stages of dating, her photographer roommate, and her roommate's cosplay friend, who was the last to arrive. I love making new friends through the network of who I know, and this group was both large enough and small enough.

The cosplay friend of the roommate showed up last in a thought-out black and white outfit that was incredibly feminine, daring, and fun. I admired her confidence in being able to express herself visually, as I have always struggled with my personal aesthetic and my nonexistent sense of fashion. When I meet people like that, I praise them openly as it is a challenge for me so I am impressed to see them do it.

But that praise can also come off in a different way sometimes. The roommate and the cosplay friend are both bisexual, and since New Year's Eve can often have a flirtatious atmosphere, our conversation turned to whether or not I was straight. I said I'd only dated men so far, but I'd be open to dating a woman if I felt so inclined. This seemed to peak the interest of the cosplayer, who then gave me more direct attention.

What I did not belabor was that I had hardly ever in life felt any type of attraction to women. I saw them and was aware of what was beautiful about them (or not), but I never had any reaction of wanting to do anything about that. I was kissed once by a girl, but the excitement in it was derived in not having kissed a girl before. 

I felt strange the rest of the night, as though unbeknownst to me I'd been placed in another camp, that of the queers, even though nothing about my attraction had changed. I realized later that what did change was that the idea was introduced, spoken out loud.

I would never be required to answer point-blank which team I played for. But starting that night, I felt the freedom to try it if I wanted to. If I were to 'come out' with anything right now, it could only be "I have mentally introduced dating women as an option, even if my desires have not reflected that so far".

I am not feeling as though my sexuality is a confusing thing that I need to figure out; I feel very comfortable dating men, and no sexual desire has ever gone in any other direction. But knowing that I have the permission of at least a few people to take that route is comforting. I don't feel obligated to actively question as that would be a pressure of its own that would constrict me.

I am already liberated in many ways - from religion, from virginity, from responsibility for others, from poverty. I might as well embrace every facet of liberty I can.